So here is my story:
A few weeks ago, I was at my local gym working out and I observed a father instructing his middle-school aged son to lift a weight bar that was obviously way too heavy. I noticed the boy struggling as he attempted to do shoulder shrugs and all I could envision was an injury. I could see the father had a certain arrogance about him. I had a suspicion that if I said something, my comments would more than likely be unwelcome.
Well, stupidly not heeding my own instinct to keep mum, after completing my bicep curls, I smiled and said, "If you guys lift less weight, you can do more reps." The father turned to me and scowled, "We GOT it? OKAY?!" I think if no one was around, he would have said more. I truly felt threatened. I then responded. "Oh, I am sorry." The man scowled even harder and I said, "I apologize, really." He rolled his eyes and mumbled something offensive. I walked away shaking inside. I went to another side of the gym and avoided further contact. I felt sorry for that man's child. What a terrible role model.
Why are some people so rude/mean? And, why am I taking it so hard? I always try to be kind, gentle, and caring. I have been this way ever since I was little. I was a friendly kid and when another bullied me or called me a mean name, I found myself feeling really hurt yet I got over it.
I think that is why I took an interest Buddhism when I was in college. I really do not want to make this post/blog about personal beliefs but I feel stating that will help shed light on my views. Despite my non-conflict nature, if my life is in danger, I will defend myself (albeit with a heavy heart). If someone is rude to me (which is rare), I usually walk away or try to dissolve the matter. When the man at the gym "put me in my place," I simply walked away. It is not worth snapping back, especially in front of a child.
I know there are all kinds of people in this world. I try to focus on the good in people and ignore the rudeness and callousness that exists in a few. I also need to remind myself what Ghandi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If I wish others to be nice, than I am going to be nice. Period. However, I know that just being nice will not guarantee a nice interaction with everyone. I understand this, even if my initial response is that of disappointment.
In 2011, I am going to work on to letting negativity go and focus on the positive. There are just so many wonderful things for me to spend my energy on like improving my sewing skills, training for a marathon, spending more time with family, traveling, going skiing, and learning some new recipes!
So, when faced with rudeness, what do you do?
I had an incident in the parking lot last week. I was in the wrong and was parked in the fire lane since all the parking was taken up. There is a two car length gap between my car and the cars that are parked. I have gotten out of the parking spaces many times when other people parked in the Fire Lane. When I emerged from Starbucks I saw one car backing out and a woman in her car sitting next to the car backing out. As I maneuvered between the cars, the woman in the car says "Don't." I look confused and replied, "I'm going to my car, would you like me to wait while you leave?" She replied in a very nasty tone that I am not supposed to park there and no she didn't want me to leave. I stood by my car, waited while she kept curbing her wheel with it turned the wrong way. I yelled "turn your wheel the other direction." Her reply was "I'm calling the cops, you shouldn't be parked there." I then realized her wheel was turned the wrong way because she wanted to block me in. I quickly entered my car, made an easy U-turn while she stood outside her car dialing her phone.
ReplyDeleteI try to be positive, but it is hard in the face of rudeness and pettiness.
there is a baptist church down the road from my house and they like to post funny quotes on their sign by the road. Now usually I don't pay much attention to churches as I do not attend any churches myself and like to keep my own spirituality private. This weeks sign was really good though it said New Year Wag More Bark Less
ReplyDeletePerhaps the gentleman(or not so much) should have had that resolution. Oh and their other top pick of mine was Those Who Through Dirt Lose Ground
It really depends on who the rudeness is coming from, but I'm not one to back down, unfortunately. I'm pretty outspoken. I do, however, tried to be somewhat mindful here in town, since it's a small community and there's only one high school (and I teach at it). :)
ReplyDeleteWow, Kim! Sounds like the woman was intent on making sure you were punished! We all do the occasional "wrongs," but they are not "capital offenses." The woman was not the police and the fact she basically wanted to hold you against your will proved she was severely in the wrong! Who was she to do that?! I am amazed at the mean-spirited and pettiness of some people. It is worth it? Does it mean anything at the end of the day? No. I actually feel sorry for people like that!
ReplyDeleteLiving Vintage,
ReplyDeleteI like that sign! "Wag more, bark less!" I have seen bumper stickers with that slogan and I love it! I also love my yoga teacher's favorite phrase, "Smile and just breathe!"
Erin,
ReplyDeleteI can be outspoken but it usually when I am pushed to that point. One time I was in the Denver Airport going through security, and an older man screamed at me and I told him to calm down and stop being hyper! I simply picked up two bins (one for my laptop and one for my bag, belt, and shoes) and the older man, who was in the next line, screamed, "DO NOT TAKE THEM ALL!!" I was floored since the stack of bins was quite plentiful. I said, "Calm down and stop being so hyper! There are tons of bins here!" He just looked at me and then turned away. I felt a little unnerved that I said something but I did. I was mad that someone would yell at me like that. I try to be kind but everyone has their limits.
Oh gosh. I hate that. I usually whip out my very best "company manners" and try to remind myself to act like a lady even though I might want to punch someone.
ReplyDeleteNow, when I'm at work (high school librarian) it's actually part of my job to help the kids develop manners, so I'll gently remind them to say please and thank you. I did have one young man snap his fingers at me to get my attention, so I simply turned my back on him and walked away. I came back a few moments later, and he demanded to know why I hadn't helped him.
"I didn't help you because you didn't ask nicely. It's not acceptable to snap your fingers. People aren't puppies."
Now we're working on "please" and "thank you." I dream of the day when "may I" comes back into vogue.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI,too, always strive be a lady but there are times I want to go off. I also long for a day when grace, manners, and class are the norm instead of the exception. Whenever I dine out, I always say "thank you," "please," and I stack my plates and gather my flatware for my server when I done. I hold the door for others and I let others merge in traffic. I think it is best to err on the side of politeness.
I like your phrase, "people aren't puppies!" Remember in the movie "Bridget Jones" when the woman snapped her fingers at Mark Darcy at the winter party? I guess they were illustrating the pretentiousness of that character.
So, what do you think of this ice falling? Tomorrow's morning commute is going to be interesting for sure! lol
I miss manners. I love nothing more than being around people who really understand that manners are one of the necessary ingredients of a functioning society. It's all about being respectful of each other, and being mindful that your behaviour effects others.
ReplyDeleteUgh, the ice. All the off-campus employees were sent home early tonight, and the roads were a *nightmare*. Tomorrow will probably be horrid, so you be careful. I'm hoping it will have melted off by the time I have to go in.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI say us vintage gals continue to be ladies with grace and manners and hopefully we can start a trend that brings back class, kindness, and eloquence.
The ice is really falling and I can hear it on my sunroom windows. It sounds like "tick, tick, tick." My husband has a SUV and I have little Volvo so I will be commuting with him in the morning! There is no way I will be driving! So, with that said, you be careful too! Even though NOAA is calling for temperatures to be in the high 30s tomorrow, they are also calling for freezing rain. Despite the above freezing temperatures on the ground, the air will remain cold enough for frozen precipitation.
Funny you should mention DIA, I had someone snap at me last time too because they felt rushed. Hey, look, you're in the security line! BE PREPARED! Plan ahead and don't wear all of your metal accessories!
ReplyDeleteHaha! If there's going to be freezing rain, the library may have to do without this little librarian tomorrow. While I know I can do it, all it really takes is one person who thinks 4WD means they can go 90 on the Beltway...
ReplyDeleteErin,
ReplyDeleteI think there is something about traveling that brings out people's aggressions. I was taken aback that the man would yell at me, let alone with such anger and loudess! I only took two bins and judging from his reaction, one would think I took the whole stack! DIA is usually a calm airport so I was especially shocked. The worst airports for cranky travelers have been MIA, FLL, and JFK.
Kate,
ReplyDeleteThat is so true! Just because someone has four wheel drive, it doesn't mean they are bullet-proof! Ice doesn't care how big or small your vehicle is! If the roads are slick, the little and the large cars are both able to slip and slide!
I think your natural maternal instincts came out when you saw the boy struggling. That dad is a dick and I feel horrible for his kid. Probably forces him to play sports he doesn't enjoy and then belittles him for not playing well. Some men should not receive the gift of fatherhood.
ReplyDeleteI was at a car boot sale on Sunday, just minding my own business, digging thru a tin of jewellery bits and bobs, when this VERY short (shorter than me, and that is short!)older woman started to physically push me out of the way to dig thru the tin. I am normally very willing to share my toys, but her rudeness got under my skin for sure. I stood my ground, shifted my position to block her a bit more, yet she insisted on pushing even more. I gave her my best hateful look. she was clueless and unphased. As a last result, I picked up the tin, said 'I need to move this under the light so I can see what is in here better', and moved the tin out of her reach. She huffed a big ole huff, turned and stomped off. Seriously...why are people so darn rude? I am always willing to share, but sometimes I feel as if i am the only person that is!
ReplyDeleteI'm always polite to people and like you hold doors open and all that but I really hate bullies and I will speak up and stand up for myself and others. I simply can't tolerate the bullying of other people, when I was younger I stepped in far more although I still do it!
ReplyDeleteWhat a moron that man was! I feel sorry for the kid too - fancy having a dad like that. I avoid confrontation at all costs, I just can't be bothered with it. Id rather just walk away from a negative situation, but good on you and everyone else who stands their ground and speaks out.
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteI have no kids of my own but I am an aunt. I have a niece and nephew so I think my maternal/aunt instincts were indeed kicking in. And that is wild that you mention the father possibly forcing his kid to play sports! Before I opened my mouth and suggested the child use a lighter weight, I overheard the guy and another dad he knew talking about all the sports their kids were in. Sad. And you are so right, some people do not deserve to be parents. Their child is a precious gift, not a novelty for them to show off.
Pixie,
ReplyDeleteWow. I guess that lady was being bull-headed! lol! I was once in a grocery store and my cart was pushed out of the way by a woman who felt it was in her way. I was in the cheese/dairy section and lots of people were browsing through the various cheeses and my cart was next to me. It was not really causing a "traffic jam" nor was it impeding anyone's movement but apparently the cart was in one woman's way. She pushed the cart abruptly and huffed. I just looked at her with disbelief, grabbed some brie, and left. How hard is it to be nice? I would have gladly moved the cart if it was in her way!
Fiona,
ReplyDeleteI try to be kind and take the high road but if I see bullying, I will stand up. For example, on the day of my mother-in-law's birthday, I went to the shops to pick up her cake and spotted a teen boy shoving another boy in the car park. He was calling the boy names and told him never to come back to the car park again because it was his turf or something to that effect. I said, "Hey, stop that!" He yelled back, "F**k you, lady!" I said, "Now, I did not hear you. Come over here and say that again." He walked away. I was floored that other people, including people with kids, did nothing. They just watched a teen boy get pushed around and yelled at and didn't help.
Clare,
ReplyDeleteYeah, the dad was making his child struggle with the weight and I was just shocked. I am friends with a few of the personal trainers at my gym and they tell me they see situations like that all the time. I do not want people, especially kids, to get hurt but it is reactions like that of the angry dad that make me not want to get involved ever again. It is a shame that people are becoming rude and others are becoming too afraid to stand up. I wish we could just all breathe, smile, and be nice. Is being angry and mean worth it? Talk about a life wasted.
It depends. I'm trained in dealing 'assertively but politely' with anger (ie with a kind, firm voice tell them they are being inappropriate). I've broken up bar fights using it before (people assume you work there because you're not acting aggro).
ReplyDeleteBut sometimes I can't help an acid quip back. Which disappoints me in myself.
Perdita,
ReplyDeleteMy husband, who was in the Army for almost 10 years and has studied martial arts for years, is like you. He can nip potentially dangerous situations in the bud quickly. His calm but strong demeanour is amazing to see. I barely snap back but I have to really be pushed over the limit and even then, I still feel bad for "losing my cool."
psst....i'm Buddhist too <3
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog great stuff. I just have to put my two cents in too if you will notice men are very pushy and aggressive after a work out. If you are at the gym or on a bike trail . I have had those men try to run me over and "yell get out of the way "etc. I think they better step back and look at their behavior.
ReplyDelete